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Criminals Line Up to Register Guns
"We Dun Seen Da Light, Yo!"
January 26, 2013
Lorie Kramer

Working together to make America safer.

Across the United States, in cities like Chicago, New York, Los Angeles, Washington D.C., gang members, career criminals, and assorted punks are heading to their local police departments to register their guns.  Citing recent pleas from US government officials and politicians, and the awareness of the recent shooting in Newtown, CT, scores of tatted men and women are filling out registration forms to do their part in the movement for better gun control.

Long lines have been forming resulting in a backlog of data entry in a number of precincts around the country.  Sgt. Fred Cocozza remarked, "I had no idea what to expect when I saw the line of people in front of the station.  At first I thought there had been a round up from a recent sting operation, until I noticed they were all still holding their guns." Various departments are excited after spending hundreds of dollars on recent buy back programs.  "This is going to save our department a lot of money that would have been paid to gun owners turning in their guns." Sgt. Cocozza continued, "This will allow us to spend the funds elsewhere and triple our taser supply."

"It's the right thing to do, bro." said Wonder Dog, a member of Reck It Nation.  "We be all about dat Feinstein bitch 'n what she be layin' down.  Check it out, da bangers need to answer up, so when dey bust a cap wid their burners da man'll knowd we ain't really no opposites.  When we be strapped wid our Trey 8's we be knowin' dat da road dogs gotta put it in check. Word."

Mrs. Edith Morgenstern in Chicago stated, "I came down to snitch on my neighbor, and saw the line of people.  I was pretty nervous at first, but then I realized that I had no need to worry.  This was helping America be safer." 

Mr. Herbert Handslip said, "I am so relieved.  After the recent burglary at my house which resulted in my wife being shot and put in a coma, I was upset. I now know that if it happens again, at least the perp's gun will be legally registered.  If my wife ever wakes up, I'll tell her.  I know she will be happy, too."

The media reports that their efforts to promote better gun control have made a difference. A New York reporter stated, "It is very gratifying to know that good journalism results in a better educated populous and can change people's lives, even save them."

No word has been reported yet from President Obama, or Anderson Cooper on the rush of criminals and gang members to register their firearms that has been seen across the nation.   CNN commentator, Piers Morgan however was rumored to say, "Blimey, I think I'll stay in this wonderful country after all. God bless America!"  An email was received from an anonymous source purporting that "alternative news" mouthpiece, Alex Jones, choked on his bullhorn.

The most heart rendering comment was overheard when Los Angeles gang member El Rey Mierda said, "Sometimes, we just gotta flip. Now, when we G-down for da game, 'n jump out to holding down 'n start a mission, or get some hard candy, we won't need to bring in da enforcer to git da homies 'n put 'em in check.  I knowd dis will hep da Pee Wees git waz up. Now, I gotta go git me a toss up. Everything is everything. Peace out."

Alex Jones "vs" Piers Morgan

Lorie Kramer