Lo : Before I go to sleep, I wanted to try and spend some time here.
It is good to acknowledge the activities of the day. It can be of no assistance to repeat the errors or review the things that have not gone well. Every soul makes mistakes on their paths. You are no different and you are entitled to the same forgiveness as all of creation.
The lesson, to forgive yourself, has been a hard one for you to learn. It is not always easy to forgive yourself. Sometimes, this is what blocks you from becoming closer to the Light. It is necessary to release those attachments. You have been taught, wrongly, that perfection is the goal. This is an impossible thing to achieve. If you make it your goal, your results will always be of the nature of failing, which is not true. At times, one's mistakes are grievous, but most often, they are minor. You, as well as all the others, have made both kinds.
In the Light, the mistakes disappear when the lesson is learned. If you continue to hang on to them, and put on yourself, the blame and the guilt, there is less room for the love. Guilt is a trick. It is something which decieves if nurtured. Acknowledgement of the error, and an intent to go forward, is all that is required. As you learn this, you will become better able to learn the lessons which are ahead, instead of focusing on the mistakes of the past.
You have seen the results of those "stuck", as you say, in the past. Not a pretty sight. This is not how the system was/is intended to work. A lesson is learned, and then another, and then another, continuous growth. If guilt is always present, you cannot truly see the growth that has taken place. Release it, and allow the love for yourself to take it's place.
You have always been too hard on yourself. This is something you have learned which needs to be forgotten. You know you can do better, so just do better, and forget about the mistakes.
I know that you are tired and wondering what to do next. Start by working toward healing your body. Some exercise. Challenge yourself to create a more healthy vehicle. It may be hard at first, but it is most worthwhile. A fast is something which you have considered. You may find some benefit in that practice. I would like for you to spend a bit more time in meditation. This will help ease the stress on your system, and help you go forward. I know sometimes you feel that you can't "shut off your mind", but you can, and with practice you will improve.
Take care of yourself, and those around you. Love to you and all in your home.
Lo the Seektress